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Making Decisions Mood: aloof Noise: noises from the street  It's all about making the right decision. Not to fuck up. It's my life and I'd hate to mess everything up. Not to let fear effect that decision. This is all psychological bullshit. I can do this. I can pretend. It's not forever, this too shall pass. Nicotine Stains: (0)
New year Mood: Lazy Noise: Our Lady Peace - Naveed Last year was the most painful and lonely year I've ever had. But I survived. This year started with some unpleasent events, but for some weird and unexplainable reason I think that this year will be better. Or not.. I'm not sure. I've got addicted to anime. I have no idea why. I can't find any logic in it, I don't really like the language.. I guess it's the graphics ))  Nataku from X/1999 Nicotine Stains: (1)
Homeless Mood: mixed Noise: Delerium - Consentual Worlds This is the third night I'm going to spend up in the attick of an empty building. Everybody says it's hunted, but so far haven't seen anything unusual. I heard voices at night, but I can't be sure that it was a ghost. Maybe it was coming from my dream. There is no light in there, no water. Nothing. I got some candles to keep me company. It smells like dust in there and there are spiders everywhere. Some of them are even dead. That sure is a lovely company. Work sucks as always, but lately I got numb to those things that annoyed me before. I have another month (and a half) to work in this place, then I'm taking a hike to another country. Maybe with the money I make I could travel to Thailand. See all the beautiful places: beaches, waterfalls.. It's my birthday soon, and it'll be the first birthday away from home. I will be working on my birthday, instead of celebrating. I don't regret leaving home. Even if there were times I wished I wouldn't. I mean, fuck it. This is the way it should be, right? Nicotine Stains: (0)
Kitchens Mood: surreal Noise: Seether - Diseased I like kitchens because they are full of knives. Big knives, small knives, sharp knives... But I hate cleaning the mess in there. Nicotine Stains: (2)
I'm in a Hollywood movie Mood: distant Noise: Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale Sometimes I get this feeling like I'm in a movie. Each time it is a different one. Sometimes it's a big Hollywood movie, sometimes it's an independent one. In one I am a hero, in the other - a loser. Beautiful and ugly, fun and boring, happy and sad. I believe that they could make a hit movie in Hollywood out of my life. It could be a mix of comedy, horror, drama, thriller and whatever they've got. But they won't. So I'll just continue living in an unexisting Hollywood movie. Maybe, when I'll die, people will see the ending titles. Nicotine Stains: (0)
Cocaine & Depeche Mode Mood: lustful Noise: Depeche Mode - Try walking in my shoes Sitting, laying, waiting... I think it was love, maybe warmth. Something I've wanted for all of my life. It's romance, passion, late night dances... I'm touched. All of yesterday's problems and thoughts turned into dust with a bitter taste. There's nothing. Nothing matters, nothing exists. The ceiling has never been brighter, as pure as my soul. Yes, I am in love. Nicotine Stains: (1)
Surrealism takes place over my so-called life Mood: odd Noise: Weezer - Beverly Hills Everything is about to change in 3 days. As much as I try to act calm I am abit nervous about it. Not every day your life changes so drastically. Tomorrow is a big day. My last exam. And that's it. I'm done. Finishing high-skull. After those long miserable years I'll be free. And as Cooper's song goes- "No more pencils No more books No more teacher's dirty looks Well we got no class And we got no principles And we got no innocence We can't even think of a word that rhymes School's out for summer School's out forever School's been blown to pieces" Hurray!! And after my last exam.. I hope that everything will go according to my plan. This seems all unreal. Can good things happen to me? So surrealistic. *Wishing myself luck* Nicotine Stains: (0)
The gold lions Mood: catatonic Noise: Weezer - Say It Ain't So Gold lions are capturing me in between. Inside and out. Their grip gets tighter with each step I make. I am suffocating. Someday the armies will march back while freedom takes place. Nicotine Stains: (0)
The things that make me smile Mood: electric Noise: My guitar Music is the cure for the soul. Enjoying these days with... My loyal friends:   And Germany is up for the semifinals. ~Sway Nicotine Stains: (0)
Going up Mood: hesitant Noise: Culture Kultuer - The Only One Today I've made another step toward my reviving. My condition is getting better now, day by day. It really seems like I'm slowly getting out of this black hole that's eating me from the inside. I've decided to get back on playing the guitar, after a whole year of barely touching it. Today I've baught an amplifier (spent 3 years without one). This is really a cause for celebration! Playing makes me feel like I'm alive, like I can do something beautiful. It's like painting sounds with my finguers, in pretty waves. The notes are embracing me with electric shocks: good, reviving shocks. This is something that I really love and abandoned. I abandoned myself along with everything that ever made me feel alive. I buried myself in the dirt, believing that this is where I belong. The way up is tough, I know. But why do we always try to reach for the stars? Maybe it's worth it? I am giving myself another chance to breathe. I deserve this. Wow. I cannot belive I just wrote it. Sounds soooo not like me. I still have mixed feelings about this working. Can't be real... d-_-b Nicotine Stains: (0)
Not enough, never enough. Mood: horrible Noise: Pearl Jam - Immortality Sleepless nights come to me like bullets, tearing my flesh with the sharpness and speed of light. The memories kill me with their physical presence. They come in silence, braking each and every bone of my body. The pain breaks me, chills my body and soul. My inside screams, paralizing me. My eyes are sore from the tears. They are the dirt inside me, coming out of my system. It's like being possessed by six demons at once. I shake and twist while the sky remains peaceful. The attacks make no change in nature. "Nothing is left remarkable beneath the visiting moon" says Shakespeare. This is so horrible. I am so young, yet I feel so tired and drained, like a 5000 year-old. This pure suffering washes any other feeling, any thoughts. Just STOP! No colors, no shapes... All the masks in my prestige collection fall from the shelf and shatter on the floor into small pieces of dust. I cannot hide. Nicotine Stains: (1)
Is there any love on the needle? Mood: 0 Noise: Antimatter I know that no one will ever stay. Everybody will leave, leaving me another scar as a memory of them. All I've got are memories. Untouchable skys. Soft smiles which will remain in my longings. I will paint myself a heaven of hugs and kisses. I will wash away the pain. I will leave, too. I promise. Nicotine Stains: (2)
Last cigarette Mood: lazy Noise: silence of the night Waisted another day on basicly nothing. I like it this way. The lazyness taking over me. I have only 1 cigarette left, and all the stores are closed now, 3 AM. Sucks. I think I'd better go to sleep soon. A night without any cigarettes isn't fun. I'll go buy some tomorrow (if lazyness won't strike). I'm going to start with my new project soon, right after my 4 last exams. I'm going to build a web-site of my own. I will need help with ASP, hopefully I will find someone who'll help me. I've tried to learn it on my own with a book, but no luck. It's not HTML, he-he. I can't wait. 19 days are left... Hope they'll pass quick! Nicotine Stains: (2)
My birthdate meaning Mood: tired
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Another lazy day Mood: eh Noise: The Servant - Cells A smell of smoke and pop-corn fills my room and it makes me happy. I have food and I can eat whenever I want. Finally. I spent all of my day watching anime, trying to understand the Japanese logic. Turned out that there's none. Japan seems like another planet to me. I've got a new pack of pencils, so I can draw again. The simple joys of life. I don't wanna live like a zombie anymore. To walk around without a face, not caring about anything. So my first step towards changing it was getting this pack of NO.2 pancils. Still hanging.. Nicotine Stains: (2)
13 psychotic sufferings Mood: free Noise: Depeche Mode - Personal Jesus Colorful, shiny lights attacking my eyes and smoke getting inside my lungs, bluring reality. 1...2...1...2...3...4...5..6... - 10.... Noise tearing my ears with earth-quakes. Breathe... Breathe... Silence. And inside again. Mirrors and lose. Many people, but actually there were no one. A tragic heroine in a survival war boasting with her prestige mask collection. It didn't hurt. But now all of my body feels like it've been abused. Pictures relieving life, floating behind my eyes and it won't help... What can help when it's already too late? Sleep... Coma... Too bad that I fell. I haven't seen what's infront of me, closed my eyes and tried to fly, but I gradually crashed, by rolling of the cliff into the abyss. It's always dark in here. Rays of light never reach these hidden places, and no sound will be ever heard above the ground. I survived. Nicotine Stains: (0)
Going my way Mood: positive Noise: Antimatter - Mr White Suddenly, lately, everything's going my way. All of my plans are comming out the way I planned 'em. That's abit frightening. Can it be real?? Am I dreaming it? I hope not. Anyway, I'm gonna wait and see how it'll turn out in the end. *wishing luck to myself* Nicotine Stains: (0)
Lame shot Mood: nauseous Noise: Motion City Soundtrack - Everything Is Alright Woke up at 6am feeling nauseous. I ran to the bathroom and threw up the ice-cream I had before I went to sleep. That sounds anorexic, doesn't it? But I'm not. I just took an overdose of pills. Why? So that I'll get into hospital, they'll write up a "suicide attempt" and I won't go to army. I don't wanna go there. Don't wanna waist 2 years of my life on that. I prefer doing other things with my life. So my grandma woke up and I told her. She started yelling at me that she's sick of my "suicide attempts" (I call it self-injuring because I don't really want to die). She said that she wouldn't call for an ambulance because then you have to pay for it. What a lovely thing to say. So now I feel sick and stupid. I'm like one of those lame teenage-kids, who harm themselves just to get attention. At least in my case it was for a good cause. 1 soldier less= less death. I don't wanna be a part of that shit. It's better to be a live coward than a dead hero. Nicotine Stains: (0)
Spooky window Mood: paranoid Noise: Last Winter - Chasing Lights I'm sitting infront of my PC when suddenly I notice that my window closed O_o I didn't touch it and there's no wind or anything.. There's no logical way to explain it. It didn't even made a noise! Evil spirits possess my room =/ I go hide under my blanket.. Nicotine Stains: (0)
Back from a break Mood: wired Noise: Gorillaz - Dracula Haven't been here for a long time it seems. Haven't felt like writing for a long time. Maybe the laziness took over me, not sure. So with my returning I made a new design. It's simple and i like it =] Worked on it the whole day instead of learning for my exams. Feels good to ignore problems. Ahhh, those little things make me happy  And now, for the news: --- 1. I baught a new acoustic guiter. Named her "Berlin". --- 2. Went to my friend's birthday, got drunk, ate glass, the cops showed up and I ended up hiding in the closet. They took my friend and now he's in jail (he's sitting there a month and a week already). --- 3. Went to a shrink. --- 4. Read lots of books. --- 5. Baught "Friends" DVD (and a bunch of movis). --- 6. Sued a music company. The trial is in less than 2 months. --- And that's it, I think. Now I gotta go grab something to eat. Haven't ate all day long =/ Nicotine Stains: (0) |
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