a letter to gremlin
Date: Feb 1st, 2006 9:46:29 pm - Subscribe
Mood: amorous
gremlin,
ei. ^___^ it's been a while. no news from you for quite some time now. so... what's new?
me.... hmmm.. where should i start?
i am happy. now. for a change. can't believe it myself but i am. happy without even feeling guilty. happy without any care. for the first freaking time in my life, i am living for now without any care for the future. without any plans. without any worries. geez.
never planned to. i am shying away from love, actually. as always. but it just happened. and we were both in denial for quite some time.
she was my mentor. when i was on training, she was the one assisting our class with all the questions. we were friends. good friends but not close friends. i like her. and she likes me. but everything was just platonic.
or so i thought. *laughs*
then i had my closure with manang. i sent her the letter with the blue rose which i finished fixing during the time i was on training. with her walking around. she read the letter -- which was fine with me since she doesn't know manang anyway. she said she felt my words. ngek. haha!
a week after that we went live sa floor. meaning we are now taking calls on our own without any help. we were deployed to different teams.
i was depressed. i loved my batch. i love my batch. real people. i was a bit discriminating with call center people cause i always had this notion that either they are completely conio or downright colegialas. well, they were. most of them. but marami ring jologs at cowboys/girls. and i found it in my batch. and you know me. my reason will always be the people and not the job itself not the pay. so it was really hard for me when we started parting ways when we were already depolyed to take calls with our respective teams.
she was the one who kept my sanity intact. she was still a mentor with the other batches after we were already live on the floor. so since my shift starts at 1am and i get to work at around 11pm, i usually hang out with her with the other batches assisting her in assisting the newbies. so we became closer. next thing we know, we're texting each other. not much.. just quotes. but still, it was a start. i think that was what made her closer. no intentions of falling, actually, since i was still trying to get over manang. and so is she. she just broke up with her bf. we were friends and that was all that matters.
she has a stalker. very persistent who cannot understand the word NO. a she. once she was very much worried cause the stalker will drop by sa work to fetch her without her consent. so i volunteered. na ihatid sya hanggang pagsakay. just to be sure na walang asungot na aaligid sa kanya. and i said that if she wants, she can use me to shoo off stalker. tell stalker to leave her along cause she is taken and di ako pumapayag na me umaaligid sa kanya.
that's when it started. hinatid ko sya. but we didnt really pretend that there's something going on between us. but her friends kept on teasing her regarding us. dahil daw sa paghahatid ko. parang since then, mejo nagkamalisya na. haha! i mean, i dunno. suddenly parang nag-iiba na tingin ko sa kanya. i'm more protective when i shouldn't be in the first place. pero as usual, i kept reminding myself that i should not cross the line. we are friends and that should remain that way.
but i fell. interestingly, i did. and i told her. with every intention of walking out of her life. ganun naman ako eversince, di ba? chicken. tama na na sabihin ko. i'm tired of keeping quiet na rin naman. so i told her.
during that time i already know that she like someone from work. one of the reasons i'm walking out as a friend as well cause i need to give myself some time to get over the feeling. when i told her i was walking out because of how i felt towards her, she told me that the person she actually like is me. so i didnt walked out.
but it doesnt change the fact that i'm falling for her and she only likes me. really, really like me. but like is different from love.
but i waited. as always.
but i got tired. i felt as if sobra naman na. kelangan na naman bang mangyari kung ano yung nangyari ke manang? should i abuse myself again and wait forever. so i said my piece. i asked her where do i stand. cause i'm tired of being in a limbo. tell me if i should move on and let go or tell me if i still need to hope. how can i say i love her daw and just walk out? how can she love someone who's already giving up without a fight? i told her that i am fighting. but does she want me to fight? i asked her to tell me how she feels for once without thinking about what other people will say about it or how the world will take her stand. i asked her to just be completely honest and true with me for once and get rid of the mask. and she did. she asked me to stay. because behind the mask, she wanna love me and that she eventually would, she said.
and she did.
nakarma yata ako, gremlin.
for the first time in my life, i felt this deep need for someone to be a part of my existence. she broke the indifferent person inside of me. she made me feel jealousy to the greatest extent, she made me demand, she made me 'talk'... she made me human.
"i'll make you say things you'd rather express in writing. i'll make you do things you've never done before."
and she did.
she made me all that. and i am happy. she made me live for the moment, by the moment.
nakarma nga ako.
and i am thankful.
*sigh* we are living eacvh day as if it our last. we know we don't have any future. we know the world will get between us. i know her dreams and the thigns that will make her happy, and i know i am not part of those plans. (japan -- that is her dream. kung kaya ko lang ibigay sa kanya ang japan.) i am loving someone more than i am loving myself but i do not care. again. i know i shouldnt measure and shouldnt compare, but i also know for a fact that between the 2 of us, i am the one who is loving more. but i am happy. for now. and it's all that matters. ^____^
whew.
so... how art thee?
Comments: (1)
outside looking in
Date: Jan 4th, 2006 2:48:06 am - Subscribe
Mood: alone
i have promised myself a lot of things for the past year...
none of them were ever taken into account.
new year. but i cannot help but ask, "what is new, anyway?"
don't get me wrong. i have enjoyed (?) pretty much a lot of things for the past couple of months but everytime i try to look back i cannot help but wonder if there is indeed any "accomplishment" in my part.
oh, yeah. i didn't cry this new year. used to shedding tears on new year's eve. but this time it's different.
perhaps because i cannot.
pretenses. masks. lies. cover-ups.
too tired. when will it end? when will it start?
let 'em sing... as what they said, pantomine
In my fantasy, I’m a Pantomime
I'll just move my hands and everyone sees what I mean
Words are too messy, and it’s way past time
To end in my mouth paint my face white and tried
To reinvent the sea, one wave a time
Speak without my voice and see the world by candlelight
I ain’t afraid to let it out
I’m not afraid to take that fall
But I have found beyond all doubt
You say more by saying nothing at all
In my fantasy, no such thing as time
Minutes bleed into days avant garde and show
Me your heresies, and I’ll show you mine
We only speak in Pantomimes on this carpet ride
I ain’t afraid to let it out
I’m not afraid to take that fall
But I found beyond all doubt
You say more by saying nothing at all
In my fantasy, you look good entwined
In my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine
You’re my deep secret
I’m your Pantomime
I’ll just move my hands I’ll promise you’ll see what I mean
Comments: (1)
winter solstice
Date: Dec 23rd, 2005 3:17:25 pm - Subscribe
Mood: wishful
let the night enclose me, hold me... devour me. let this existence be.
come, watch me as i slowly take off my skin to reveal my entire being.
let me dance, my naked soul unravelling the truth behind my humanity.
can you see me? can you feel me?
this is my all, my soul.
let me in... let me be...
have you seen me crying?
enclose my fragile heart in your hands..
have you seen me broken? shattered?
wounded by all the battles i have been?
have a heart and stop questioning...
take me. hold me.
lay me to rest.
bring me a light that i have never seen...
touch me...
let me feel the warmth of life.
kiss me...
share with me the magic of a time frozen, a memory captured, a heart taken.
inspire me...
remind me of a past forgotten.
love me...
share with me your being and have the wholeness of our existence redefine life.
Comments: (2)